and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
