when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
