i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
