my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
