what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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