My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
