I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
