Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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