he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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