Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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