i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
