i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
