Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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