but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
