I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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