My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
