In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
