it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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