Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
