The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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