Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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