remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
