I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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