If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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