i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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