I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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