People with herpes should wear stickers.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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