You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
