this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
