hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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