Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
