i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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