just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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