we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
