Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
