Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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