Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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