I think I died a long time ago.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
