I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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