I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
