I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
