he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
