Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
