my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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