to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
