Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
