be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I pour the whiskey from now on
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
ok first of all what the fuck
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
