Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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