I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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