I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
