you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
