i already hear my dad disowning me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
