4 words: hood of his car
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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